A single 0–100 number that answers one question: how emotionally painful is it to be this team's fan right now? Losing matters. Paying top dollar to lose matters more. Paying top dollar at the ballpark to watch it happen? That's the whole formula.
The Scale
0–20
Fan Bliss
Winning a lot, paying reasonably. Smug.
21–40
Mild Frustration
Mediocre, but tolerable.
41–60
Everyday Fan Pain
The group chat is quiet.
61–80
Severe Misery
Every loss feels personal.
81–100
Full Collapse
Hostage situation.
What Goes Into It
Weight 55
Losing
The heart of fan misery. Win % below .500 stacks up fast.
Weight 30
Payroll Disappointment
Expensive teams that aren't winning. A top-5 payroll under .500 = max pain.
Weight 15
Fan Cost at the Park
Ticket + beer + hot dog. Premium prices for bad baseball hurts twice.
Modifier
Recent Vibes
Manual nudge for losing streaks, bullpen meltdowns, and other emotional damage the box score misses.
Methodology
Each team gets a raw score from the four inputs above. Then we run two passes:
Absolute score — your raw misery on a 0–100 scale. A 75 here means it's genuinely bad, not just bad relative to the league.
League curve — we stretch the league so the worst fanbase lands near 100 and the happiest near 0. This makes sure someone is always the most miserable.
Final score is a blend: 25% absolute + 75% curve. The most miserable fanbase in baseball will push toward 100, while a universally tolerable league won't artificially force someone into "Full Collapse."
Full Rankings
All 30 teams, most miserable first
#
Team
FMI
Verdict
Why
1
BOS
Red Sox
Boston
82
Full Emotional Collapse
43.1% baseball, premium prices, and a roster that costs more than it's worth. Full meltdown in Boston.
2
NYM
Mets
New York
72
why god why did I choose this team?
A 44.1% record and 7 games below .500. Every loss feels personal at this point.
3
SFG
Giants
San Francisco
62
Any good shows to watch instead?
Signed players that all of a sudden stopped being able to hit homeruns but at least fans in the nosebleeds get to look at the water, so it could always be worse.
4
ATH
Athletics
62
Any good shows to watch instead?
A 48.3% record and 2 games below .500. Every loss feels personal at this point.
5
DET
Tigers
Detroit
61
Any good shows to watch instead?
A 36.7% record and 16 games below .500. Every loss feels personal at this point.
6
HOU
Astros
Houston
57
frustrating
7 games under .500 and a 44.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
7
PHI
Phillies
Philadelphia
55
frustrating
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 51.7% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
8
TEX
Rangers
Texas
54
frustrating
3 games under .500 and a 47.5% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
9
BAL
Orioles
Baltimore
54
frustrating
4 games under .500 and a 46.7% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
10
KCR
Royals
Kansas City
51
frustrating
15 games under .500 and a 37.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
11
COL
Rockies
Colorado
51
frustrating
15 games under .500 and a 37.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
12
LAA
Angels
Los Angeles
48
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
14 games under .500 and a 38.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
13
CHC
Cubs
Chicago
46
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 54.2% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
14
PIT
Pirates
Pittsburgh
46
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 53.3% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
15
WAS
Nationals
Washington
45
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 51.7% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
16
TOR
Blue Jays
Toronto
44
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
2 games under .500 and a 48.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
17
MIN
Twins
Minnesota
40
eh its going alright
Minnesota isn't a disaster — a 45% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
18
SDP
Padres
San Diego
38
eh its going alright
having the best closer in the league quells many issues. Tatis getting at least one homer would be cool though.
19
SEA
Mariners
Seattle
38
eh its going alright
Seattle isn't a disaster — a 50.8% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
20
ARI
Diamondbacks
Arizona
34
eh its going alright
Arizona isn't a disaster — a 54.4% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
21
CLE
Guardians
Cleveland
30
so far so good
Cleveland isn't a disaster — a 55.7% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
22
CWS
White Sox
Chicago
30
so far so good
With Murakami, all things are possible, so jot that down.
23
MIA
Marlins
Miami
28
so far so good
Miami isn't a disaster — a 43.3% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
24
STL
Cardinals
St. Louis
27
so far so good
St. Louis isn't a disaster — a 53.6% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
25
CIN
Reds
Cincinnati
26
so far so good
Cincinnati isn't a disaster — a 51.7% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
26
TBR
Rays
Tampa Bay
22
so far so good
Tampa Bay isn't a disaster — a 64.3% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
27
NYY
Yankees
New York
19
Nothing can stop us!!!
New York fans are living rent-free in everyone else's heads — a 60.3% win rate and barely a complaint to file.
28
LAD
Dodgers
Los Angeles
15
Nothing can stop us!!!
who cares yall aren't winning every single game like you expected when you overpaid Tucker, there's still nothing to complain about. No one wants to hear it
29
MIL
Brewers
Milwaukee
9
Nothing can stop us!!!
Milwaukee fans are living rent-free in everyone else's heads — a 62.5% win rate and barely a complaint to file.
30
ATL
Braves
Atlanta
6
Nothing can stop us!!!
Atlanta fans are living rent-free in everyone else's heads — a 66.7% win rate and barely a complaint to file.