A single 0–100 number that answers one question: how emotionally painful is it to be this team's fan right now? Losing matters. Paying top dollar to lose matters more. Paying top dollar at the ballpark to watch it happen? That's the whole formula.
The Scale
0–20
Fan Bliss
Winning a lot, paying reasonably. Smug.
21–40
Mild Frustration
Mediocre, but tolerable.
41–60
Everyday Fan Pain
The group chat is quiet.
61–80
Severe Misery
Every loss feels personal.
81–100
Full Collapse
Hostage situation.
What Goes Into It
Weight 55
Losing
The heart of fan misery. Win % below .500 stacks up fast.
Weight 30
Payroll Disappointment
Expensive teams that aren't winning. A top-5 payroll under .500 = max pain.
Weight 15
Fan Cost at the Park
Ticket + beer + hot dog. Premium prices for bad baseball hurts twice.
Modifier
Recent Vibes
Manual nudge for losing streaks, bullpen meltdowns, and other emotional damage the box score misses.
Methodology
Each team gets a raw score from the four inputs above. Then we run two passes:
Absolute score — your raw misery on a 0–100 scale. A 75 here means it's genuinely bad, not just bad relative to the league.
League curve — we stretch the league so the worst fanbase lands near 100 and the happiest near 0. This makes sure someone is always the most miserable.
Final score is a blend: 25% absolute + 75% curve. The most miserable fanbase in baseball will push toward 100, while a universally tolerable league won't artificially force someone into "Full Collapse."
Full Rankings
All 30 teams, most miserable first
#
Team
FMI
Verdict
Why
1
ATH
Athletics
86
Full Emotional Collapse
30 games under .500 at a 39% clip. This isn't a slump — it's a hostage situation.
2
NYM
Mets
New York
75
why god why did I choose this team?
A 44.9% record and 14 games below .500. Every loss feels personal at this point.
3
SFG
Giants
San Francisco
62
Any good shows to watch instead?
Signed players that all of a sudden stopped being able to hit homeruns but at least fans in the nosebleeds get to look at the water, so it could always be worse.
4
PIT
Pirates
Pittsburgh
59
frustrating
5 games under .500 and a 48.2% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
5
WAS
Nationals
Washington
55
frustrating
8 games under .500 and a 47.1% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
6
TEX
Rangers
Texas
54
frustrating
4 games under .500 and a 48.5% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
7
BOS
Red Sox
Boston
54
frustrating
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 54.4% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
8
COL
Rockies
Colorado
51
frustrating
32 games under .500 and a 38.2% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
9
LAA
Angels
Los Angeles
51
frustrating
32 games under .500 and a 38.2% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
10
BAL
Orioles
Baltimore
50
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
2 games under .500 and a 49.3% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
11
SEA
Mariners
Seattle
48
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
8 games under .500 and a 47.1% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
12
PHI
Phillies
Philadelphia
46
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 55.9% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
13
HOU
Astros
Houston
44
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 50% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
14
TOR
Blue Jays
Toronto
44
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
3 games under .500 and a 48.9% record — the kind of season that turns the group chat quiet.
15
CHC
Cubs
Chicago
43
mediocrity sucks, time to tank?
Run-of-the-mill suffering: 56.6% baseball, a payroll that hasn't earned it, and tickets that aren't getting cheaper.
16
CLE
Guardians
Cleveland
40
eh its going alright
Cleveland isn't a disaster — a 50% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
17
ARI
Diamondbacks
Arizona
39
eh its going alright
Arizona isn't a disaster — a 52.9% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
18
SDP
Padres
San Diego
38
eh its going alright
having the best closer in the league quells many issues. Tatis getting at least one homer would be cool though.
19
MIN
Twins
Minnesota
37
eh its going alright
Minnesota isn't a disaster — a 47.1% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
20
DET
Tigers
Detroit
36
eh its going alright
Detroit isn't a disaster — a 46.7% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
21
CIN
Reds
Cincinnati
36
eh its going alright
Cincinnati isn't a disaster — a 47.1% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
22
STL
Cardinals
St. Louis
34
eh its going alright
St. Louis isn't a disaster — a 49.6% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
23
KCR
Royals
Kansas City
34
eh its going alright
Kansas City isn't a disaster — a 45.3% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
24
CWS
White Sox
Chicago
30
so far so good
With Murakami, all things are possible, so jot that down.
25
TBR
Rays
Tampa Bay
28
so far so good
Tampa Bay isn't a disaster — a 60% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
26
NYY
Yankees
New York
24
so far so good
New York isn't a disaster — a 56.6% clip is mediocre, not heartbreak. Fans are annoyed, not broken.
27
MIA
Marlins
Miami
16
Nothing can stop us!!!
Hard to be miserable when the wins keep coming and the bill at the ballpark stays reasonable.
28
LAD
Dodgers
Los Angeles
15
Nothing can stop us!!!
who cares yall aren't winning every single game like you expected when you overpaid Tucker, there's still nothing to complain about. No one wants to hear it
29
ATL
Braves
Atlanta
14
Nothing can stop us!!!
Hard to be miserable when the wins keep coming and the bill at the ballpark stays reasonable.
30
MIL
Brewers
Milwaukee
6
Nothing can stop us!!!
Milwaukee fans are living rent-free in everyone else's heads — a 62.5% win rate and barely a complaint to file.